جک انگلیسی

[Schneider]

An Arab and an Iranian go into a local bakery shop

The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket
?He says to the Iranian, "See how good I am
!The owner didn't see anything
"The Iranian says to the Arab, " Haay Listen man, I show you in daring nobody is better than an Iranian
"He goes to the owner and says,"Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick
Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry
The Iranian swallows it and ask for another one
The owner gives him another one
Then the Iranian asks for another one and swallows it just the same
?The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says, "What did you do with the pastry
"The Iranian answers, .......... "Look in the Arab's pocket
​

 

[mani24]

How can you "SM_LE" Without "I"?​

How can you be "F_NE" without "I"?​

How can you "W_SH" Without "I"?​

How can you be "FR_END" without"I"?​

"I" am very important!​

But this 'I' can never achieve S_CCESS without 'U'​

and that makes 'you' more important than 'I'.​

 

[mani24]

when i came drenched in the rain…………………


brother said : “ why don’t you take an umbrella with you?”


sister said:”why didn’t you wait untill it stopped”


dad angriliy said: “only after getting cold you will realise”.


but my mom as she was drying my hair said”


“stupid rain”


that’s mom!!!

 

[mani24]

charlie chaplin​

the best time of my life...





​

​​

To fall in love
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To laugh until it hurts your stomach

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To find mails by the thousands when you return from a
​

vacation.​

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To go for a vacation to some pretty place.​

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To listen to your favorite song in the radio.

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To go to bed and to listen while it rains outside.

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To leave the Shower and find that
​

the towel is warm
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To clear your last exam.


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To receive a call from someone, you don't see a​

lot, but you want to.​

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To find money in a pant that you haven't used
​

since last year.

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To laugh at yourself looking at mirror, making​

faces.​

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Calls at midnight that last for hours.​

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To laugh without a reason.​

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To accidentally hear somebody say something good​

about you.​

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To wake up and realize it is still possible to sleep​

for a couple of hours.​

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To hear a song that makes you remember a special​

person.​

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To be part of a team.

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To watch the sunset from the hill top.​

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To make new friends.​

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To feel butterflies!​

In the stomach every time​

that you see that person.​

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To pass time with​

your best friends.​

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To see people that you like, feeling happy​

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See an old friend again and to feel that the things​

have not changed.​

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To take an evening walk along the beach.​

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To have somebody tell you that he/she loves you.​

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remembering stupid​

things done with stupid friends.​

To laugh .......laugh. ........and laugh ......​

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These are the best moments of life....​

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Let us learn to cherish them.

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"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a gift to be enjoyed​

"​

 

[Persia1]

You will always find the thing you're looking for in the last place you look.​

 

[Persia1]

A customer ordered some coffee in a café. The waiter arrived with the coffee. and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waiter.
'Waiter,' he said. 'There's dirt in my coffee!'
'That's not surprising, Sir,' replied the waiter. 'It was ground only half-an-hour ago.'
​

 

[Persia1]

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
​

 

[Persia1]

Boy: My mother and father are in the steel and iron business.
Friend: Really?
Boy: Yes, my father steals, and my mother irons.

​

 

[Persia1]

Definition of Time: Time is what allows two objects to occupy the same space.
Definition of Space: Space is what allows two objects to exist at the same time.
​

 

[Persia1]

A man wanted to drive to Littlemorehampton. He lost his way. He stopped and asked someone,
"Which is the road to Littlemorehampton?"
"Turn right until you arrive at the farm of Mr Humbert."
"But which farm is Mr Humbert's?"
"The one on the corner of the road that goes to Littlemorehampton."​

 

[Schneider]

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day

!Teach him to use the Internet, and he won't bother you for weeks


​

 

[Schneider]

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter

The old man says, "I'm a multilillionaire, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell

?The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live

​

 

[Schneider]

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volums. Excellent condition
$1000pound or best offer

:Reason for sale
No longer required. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything


​

 

[Schneider]

?A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here
"No," says the cop
"?What about all those other cars
"!They didn't ask

​

 

[self.f_t_m990]

Some relationships are like Tom and Jerry:
They tease each other,
knock down each other,
irritate each other,
but can’t live without each other

​

 

[self.f_t_m990]

Graduation Speech:
I Would Like To Thank
,The Internet, Google, Wikipedia,
Microsoft 0ffice AndCopy Paste. . . !! =P =D
​

 

[s_talone]

waiter: would you like your coffee black?
customer: what other colors do you have?
​

 

[self.f_t_m990]

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.​

 

[self.f_t_m990]

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.



​

 

[self.f_t_m990]

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
​

 

[self.f_t_m990]

Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Me: together
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house
​

 

[self.f_t_m990]

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
​

 

[self.f_t_m990]

Yes officer, I did see the "Speed limit" sign...
I just didn't see you.
​

 

[s_talone]

Don't lose your pen you will die
Lost your pen=no pen

No pen=no notes

No notes=no study

No study=Fail

Fail=no diploma

No diploma=no work

no work=no money

no money=no food

no food=you get skinny

you get skinny=then you get ugly

Ugly=no love

no love=no marriage

no marriage=no children

no children= alone

alone=depression

depression=sickness

sickness=death

Lesson: Don't lose your pen, you will die​

 

[t3teknik]

اگر خارج از ایران باشید، با جملاتی این چنینی برخورد کردید، بدونید طرف مقابل ایرانی هس

اگر خارج از ایران باشید، با جملاتی این چنینی برخورد کردید، بدونید طرف مقابل ایرانی هس

▪ He looks at me Left Left!
چپ چپ نگاه میکنه!

▪ I die for your height and top!
قربونه قد وبالات!

▪ Ate my head!
سرمو خورد!

▪ He has grown a tail!
دم در آورده!

▪ On my eyes!
به روی چشمم!

▪ Light up my homework!
تکلیف منو روشن کن!

▪ Don;t hit yourself into left Ali Street!
خودت رو به کوچه علی چپ نزن!

▪ To my death?!
مرگ من؟!

▪ I ate the ground and my father came out!
خوردم زمین، پدرم در اومد!

▪ Take away the person that washes your dead body!
مرده شورتو رو ببرن!

▪ Pull your carpet out of the water!
گلیمتو رو از آب بکش!

▪ I;ll hit you so hard that electricity will pop out of your eyes! ..
انقدر سفت بزنمت که برق از چشمات بپره!

▪ His/Her donkey passed over the bridge!
خرش از پل گذشته!

▪ What kind of dirt should I put on my head?!
چه خاکی به سرم بریزم؟!

▪ The neighbors chicken is a goose!
مرغ همسایه غازه!

▪ Marriage is an uncut watermelon!
ازدواج هندونه ای نبریده است!

▪ Happiness has been hitting you under the belly!
خوشی زده زیر دلت!

▪ Don;t drop worms!
کرم نریز​

​

​

 

[mani24]

Mr.Bean Science.
I was stuck in ELEVATOR for 3 hrs
Due to electric failure
Mr.Bean:
Ya me too
I was stuck on ESCALATOR for 5 hrsجک مستربین
از زمانی که برق رفت من تو آسانسور 3 ساعت گیرکردم.
.
مستربین:
من هم همین طور!!
من 5 ساعت رو پله برقی گیرکردم.​

 

[mani24]

(husband & Wife )
husband: Will U marry , after I die.
Wife : No I will live with my sister.Wife : Will U marry , after I die.
husband: No I will also live with your sister( زن و شوهر )شوهر : بعد از این که من بمیرم آیا ازدواج می کنی؟
زن : نه من با خواهرم زندگی می کنم...
زن : بعد از مرگ من تو ازدواج خواهی کرد؟
شوهر : نه من هم با خواهرت زندگی می کنم.​

 

[mani24]

Future plans of childrens:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Adnan: I want 2 b a pilot.
Wakeel: I want 2 b a doctor.
Bina: I want 2 b a good mother.
Shariq : I want 2 help Bina.
شغل آینده بچه ها:
معلم از دانش آموزان پرسید که می خواهید در آینده چکاره شوید؟
ادنان : من می خواهم خلبان بشم.
واکیل : من میخوام دکتر بشم.
بینا : من می خوام مادری خوب بشم.
شریک : من میخوام به بینا کمک کنم.​

 

[mani24]

HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicleIf 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move furtherM0ral:
always Keep a SPARE TYRE زن و شوهر مثل دو تایر از یه وسیله ی نقلیه هستند.اگر یکیشون پنچر بشه اون وسیله دیگه حرکت نمی کنهنتیجه اخلاقی :
همیشه یه لاستیک زاپاس همراه داشته باش!!!!!​

 

[mani24]

TEACHER:
what is the different between
problem and challenge????STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
1boy+3girls=challenge.. معلم :فرق بین مشکل و رقابت کردن چیه؟دانش آموز :3 پسر + 1 دختر = مشکل1 پسر + 3 دختر = رقابت.......​